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I Feel Like Kanye West

Wednesday, September 25, 2024

Araceli Lemus-Carrera | BlogAuthor

Hear me out. My frontal cortex fully developed three years ago (yes, I had an app for that), and when it did, I had a realizationā€”I could no longer weaponize my bipolar disorder. It was time to grow up.

I used to lean into my biggest triggers, making it easy to blame my behavior on my condition. I get that it adds to the stigma surrounding bipolar disorder, but here's the thing: Iā€™ve learned to take the high road, find my center in the middle of chaos, and keep my composure. Yet, despite all the self-help books, yoga, meditation, and medication, I still sometimes feel like Kanye.

Not everyoneā€™s bipolar looks like Kanyeā€™sā€”I get it. But thereā€™s something about his unfiltered brain that feels so familiar to me, especially when Iā€™m off my meds. Itā€™s frustrating to see someone as successful as him have public meltdowns because I can relate on a level that scares me. It makes me wonder: If heā€™s still struggling, what hope is there for the rest of us?

That feelingā€”of spiraling into chaos and wanting to end it, regardless of who started itā€”hits too close to home. Itā€™s like being a tornado or a terrorist attack, with rage so intense I canā€™t even find the words for it. Itā€™s raw, consuming, and impossible to reason with.

For a long time, I felt like this rage was a form of revenge for the quiet, overlooked version of myself I used to be. But Iā€™ve realized I canā€™t keep feeding that rage. Itā€™s a black hole of depression, and I canā€™t afford to sink into it anymore. Itā€™s not cozy down there. Itā€™s isolating, destructive, and all-consuming.

What I want is to be a better version of myselfā€”maybe a more graceful Kanye or an even better representation of what it means to live with bipolar disorder. Maybe Iā€™ll always be on this side of the spectrum, but Iā€™m learning to embrace it. Iā€™m working on being a ā€œmindful manic,ā€ if thatā€™s even possible.

Maybe one day, scientists will figure out how to remove the bipolar gene, but until then, Iā€™m embracing this as a gift.

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-Celi ā¤ļø

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