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I Feel Like Kanye West

Araceli Lemus-Carrera | Blog Author


Hear me out. My frontal cortex fully developed three years ago (yes, I had an app for that), and when it did, I had a realization—I could no longer weaponize my bipolar disorder. It was time to grow up.


I used to lean into my biggest triggers, making it easy to blame my behavior on my condition. I get that it adds to the stigma surrounding bipolar disorder, but here's the thing: I’ve learned to take the high road, find my center in the middle of chaos, and keep my composure. Yet, despite all the self-help books, yoga, meditation, and medication, I still sometimes feel like Kanye.


Not everyone’s bipolar looks like Kanye’s—I get it. But there’s something about his unfiltered brain that feels so familiar to me, especially when I’m off my meds. It’s frustrating to see someone as successful as him have public meltdowns because I can relate on a level that scares me. It makes me wonder: If he’s still struggling, what hope is there for the rest of us?


That feeling—of spiraling into chaos and wanting to end it, regardless of who started it—hits too close to home. It’s like being a tornado or a terrorist attack, with rage so intense I can’t even find the words for it. It’s raw, consuming, and impossible to reason with.


For a long time, I felt like this rage was a form of revenge for the quiet, overlooked version of myself I used to be. But I’ve realized I can’t keep feeding that rage. It’s a black hole of depression, and I can’t afford to sink into it anymore. It’s not cozy down there. It’s isolating, destructive, and all-consuming.


What I want is to be a better version of myself—maybe a more graceful Kanye or an even better representation of what it means to live with bipolar disorder. Maybe I’ll always be on this side of the spectrum, but I’m learning to embrace it. I’m working on being a “mindful manic,” if that’s even possible.


Maybe one day, scientists will figure out how to remove the bipolar gene, but until then, I’m embracing this as a gift.


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Thanks to this month's sponsors: Happy Mammoth and Better Help

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-Celi ❤️

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